I am the ground of your beseeching.
Beseeching is a true and gracious, enduring will of the soul, united and joined to our Lord’s will by the sweet, secret operation of the Holy Spirit.
In what manner and how should we perform our prayers—our will should be turned, rejoicing, into the will of our Lord.
The fruit and the end of our prayer—to be united and like to our Lord in all things.
Julian of Norwich, Showings, Classics of Western Spirituality (Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press, 1978) pp. 248, 249, 251. from the Fourteenth Revelation, 41st and 42nd chapters.
3:44 a.m.
Across the living room from my chair at the base of the silent TV screen, a red light stares, the only indication it’s on. The yellow digital readout of the time on the cable box above tells me the cable is off.
Awhile ago Nasha, the younger calico cat, jumped into my lap, purred, massaged the air with her paws; there being no morsel of food forthcoming, departed for a softer, warmer perch.
That did it.
I’d lain there awake for an hour, the small Mexican rosary slung over the fingers of my left hand, saying a fragment of the Jesus prayer “Mercy!” My fingers can’t distinguish the pearl-shaped beads and thick yarn very well on the small rosary. It fits in the palm of my hand.
I strung a larger one with big wood beads that I can feel. It’s the one I use.
The last week or so I’ve been saying the rosary daily, dunning away “Hail, Mary, full of grace….” The best audio on the web I’ve found is here. I prefer the scriptural rosary, which interlaces verses and Hail Marys, in English (although Dutch is available). The scripture version’s a bit longer time-wise, but until this is as automatic as breathing, I want the added biblical basis whenever I can get it.
After a beading session last week, when the tail of the beautiful black and gray rosary we’d made came undone, I asked my wife Sandy if she could imagine herself saying contemplative prayer.
“You mean, repeating ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner’ or saying ‘Hail, Mary…’ 100 times? No. Maybe Philippians 4.13 or something.” Though she meant it kindly (and I did ask), I felt alone.
Later I noticed how she disappears for hours into the making of a rosary, as she does other projects. How she sings. Sandy’s a Martha. Her prayers are actions. Pretty consistently. She puts me to shame.
There’s a correspondent with a microphone for dTV on the edge of my consciousness.
—So, John, the Russians and the U.S. are playing the Sharks and the Jets around the world, and you’re what? What’s this about? This praying the rosary, a Catholic prayer to the Virgin Mary. You really believe all that stuff, do you?
—At this point, it’s respect for the people who say it and love it. Also, all religion has a large element of metaphor and poetry. But, in fact, I don’t know what it’s about exactly. All I know is counting prayers goes back into the forgotten past. I understand, when they give an Orthodox monk his prayer rope (which dates from the 3rd century), it’s like his sword to fight Satan. So maybe the beads are the real light saber of the real Jedi knight.
—Maybe it’s bull.
—No, a whole lotta stuff I used to believe is bull. That’s true. This? No, this is the way…
When I stumble, I’ll get right back up. I’ve got several Gold medals in that particular sport. This longing in my heart for God? It’s for real, for keeps, for good.
Photo by Mary Fran
John, just as you say Sandy’s prayer takes one form, I believe all sorts of forms of prayers are real. I’m sorry you’re alone in the night; I’ve been there myself many nights in the past six months. It’s lonely. Any way we can find God at those times “counts.”
I found myself mumbling the Serenity Prayer over and over one night–did I tell you this already? I have never done a 12 step program, and I wasn’t even sure I remembered the words right, but once I gathered them in my mind, the repetition itself brought calm and a sense of God’s presence.
Never thought this little Baptist girl would support repetition!!!
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